he three corners of a long distance relationship.
Which one of the three corners of a triangle is the most important?
Or to put it another way, which one of the three can you take away in order to leave a triangle? Obviously, if you take out any one of them, your triangle will collapse. The same goes for a long distance relationship. It actually applies to any relationship, but I’ll show you why it’s so crucially important in a long distance relationship.
Communication
There is no such thing as a relationship without communication. If you want one-way communication, get yourself a potted plant. They’re also very good at one way communication. Some people even say their potted plants thrive when they talk to them. But there’s very few people that would admit their plants actually talk back to them.
Communication is such a basic part of every day life, that you’d think most people would be quite proficient at it. Breathing is an important part of everyday life, and most people seem to manage it quite fine, so communication should be a breeze shouldn’t it? (pun not intended) Guess again! Most people don’t know the first thing about communication.
What do you think is the single most common reason for marriages ending in divorce? Make your pick from the following: Infidelity (unfaithfulness), communication, violence, sexual problems, money problems, too busy lifestyle, or self-centeredness.
Apparently (I didn’t verify this statistic) fully 85% of marriages that end up in the divorce court, end because of a lack of communication. Looking at the list above, you will see that communication actually plays a part in most, if not all of the other factors. Whether or not you are married or just in a serious relationship doesn’t make the slightest difference here. Your relationship may not end up in a divorce court, but the reason for it breaking could be exactly the same.
Becoming a good communicator
It’s all fine and well that you now know communication is so very important, but what good does it do you if I don’t help you to communicate better? In order to help you, I’m going to show you a few basics of communication. People communicate differently due to various reasons, including, but not limited to:
- maturity
- sex
- culture
- temperament
Maturity
Your level of maturity is mirrored by your communication. I don’t mean you should sit around and complain about the good old days like old people, I just mean that you need to (at least some times) be able to have a good heart-to-heart discussion about important issues.
I can’t think how an immature person would handle a long distance relationship. If you are in a long distance relationship and you want it to work, you will have to handle it in a very mature way. This is especially important due to the fact that you are not together all the time. Your communication time is limited, so when you need to discuss serious matters, you can’t just shy away from it.
So what do you do if your partner isn’t mature? Well, luckily, maturity is something you can learn. People are born with a certain tendency towards maturity, but the more mature you act the more mature you will become. If your partner is serious about your relationship he will make it work. Sit down and have a mature discussion about it. This is sometimes one of those things that you just need to point out for the change to occur.
Sex
We all know men and women communicate differently, and I’m not just referring to the actual topics of the conversation. Men focus more on words and technicalities, whereas women focus more on tone of voice and body language. And that’s a pretty big generalization. Just remember, when you’re talking to somebody of the opposite sex that that person may interpret your meaning in a completely different way than what you initially intended. Be aware of that fact, and you can save yourself a world of trouble.
Culture
This is especially important for couples that are of different backgrounds. And I’m not just referring to different ethnic backgrounds. Even people from the same ethnic background, but different parts of the same country can have very different ways of communication.
You should never hide behind the fact that you’re from a different culture. What I mean is: If you know certain people find certain words offensive, even though where you come from they have different meanings, it doesn’t give you the right to abuse that fact. When communicating with your partner, always keep your backgrounds in consideration.
Temperament
You all know those people that seemingly get offended at everything? Or what about those people who seem to offend everybody with their style? Even though it’s also not something to hide behind, it’s probably a factor of their different personalities (temperaments). It’s a good idea, if you’re in a serious relationship, to find out exactly what personality type both you and your partner are. It will make communication so much easier. You will suddenly understand why, for example your partner misinterprets certain things you say, or why she sometimes seems so harsh on you.
Commitment
There really isn’t much to say about this. When you find somebody you really love, you WILL commit to that person. If you don’t, then your relationship is doomed from the start. There can be no relationship when there is no commitment. The moment an even remotely interesting third party shows up, your relationship will be down the drain if you haven’t committed to each other.
Commitment is something that you will have to work on. It builds heavily on the communication you have in your relationship, but also on trust. See why I say none of the three corners can be removed?
Trust
Let me just start of by saying this: Distrust is normal. Don’t feel like a terrible person just because you don’t always trust your partner. By the way; you thought your partner was great, so somebody else may just think the same way. But before you let trust – or the lack thereof – ruin your relationship, just ask yourself the following question: Why am I distrustful?
Do you have a valid reason for distrusting your partner? Really think about it for a while. If you both really love each other and are truly committed, why are you worrying? One of the main reasons to be distrustful is probably because of mass media. We’ve all seen movies, TV shows or have read books where the husband/wife comes home early only to find an untrustworthy partner in bed with someone else.
Does this really happen? Unfortunately it does. Does it happen nearly as often as we are made to believe? I’ve seen the Golden Gate Bridge being destroyed at least 5 times during the last 10 years. Funnily enough, it’s still standing; despite what Hollywood thinks should be happening. I’ve also seen at least 6 different attempts by aliens to take over or destroy the planet (some more humorous than others). I’ve still to see my first real alien – the green tentacled type, not the illegal immigrant type.
Suffice it to say this: Trust is like respect. The more you give, the more you will get. If you really trust your partner, it will show, and you will receive the trust back. You weren’t planning on cheating were you? Of course not, so trust you partner to do the same.
But here, once again, the three corners of the triangle will have to work together. I firmly believe that the more you communicate, and the more openly you communicate, the more you will learn to trust each other. And the more you trust each other the more committed you will be to each other. And the more committed you are, the more you will trust each other and communicate with each other.
I can carry on like this for a few more paragraphs until you are completely dizzy, but I’m certain you understand by now. If you feel you need to work on one of these points, you will have to work on all three of them.
By: Leon Louw
Posts Tagged ‘Pun’
Communication, Commitment and Trust. the Three Corners of a Long Distance Relationship
December 3rd, 2009What Leaders Need to Know about Theory Based Communication
September 11th, 2009Leadership, sales, marketing, training, mentoring -they all demand communication skills. Understand a few communication theories and you can greatly improve these skills.
While I would like to give you simple pat answers, life is not always simple. Some of the most abundant oil wells require deep drilling. I say that so that you will not check out on reading something that can make a dynamic difference in your business. It will require some deep mental drilling. Hopefully we will be drilling and not boring. (Pun intended.)
I am going to talk about communication theories. I have discovered how important it is to have a basic understanding of communication theories in my work as a communication and e-learning professional and consultant.
If you want to communicate more effectively, base your communication on some of these theories. Understanding just a few theories is one of the most effective ways to improve your communication and marketing skills.
Definition of theory
What definition of theory will I use? Theory: It is a pattern of study that has been developed over time and contains a testable body of information or principles that guide activities. It is a systematic model that explains interactions in a way that helps you predict the future.
When you communicate as leader in business, education, church or marketing, you want to use proven patterns that have a history of success, don’t you? It makes sense to have principles that have been tested and proven to be good guides?
What theory is not
The theories I refer to are not abstract speculation that some John Doe dreamed up in the middle of the night because he had too much pizza before bed. Sometimes the term theory is used in this way.
Some people call speculation theory. Used that way theory is the opposite of fact. That is not the theory you need, although you probably know leaders that operate on those kinds of theories.
Sometime methods and accepted traditional models are defined as theory, such as music theory. It is closer to the definition — but not quite close enough.
The power of theory
The power of theory (the first definition) is when it can be adapted to guide your activities. You use the theory to plan; then you implement the plan; you check the results, and make adjustments to your understanding of the theory and do it again. That is the kind of theory that turbo-charges your thinking.
So the short definition for the kind of theory I reference here is: a systematic model that explains interactions in such a way that it helps you predict the future.
Theories are everywhere. Here are three ways a theory can serve you if you are a leader.
1. It allows you to learn from genius
The kind of theories I defined have been developed out of careful research and study, sometimes a lifetime of it. Because they have been developed by scholars and preserved in their writings, you can read and learn from past genius.
For example there have been heavily researched theories regarding face-saving. Face saving is the action designed not to cause the other person embarrassment. Theories related to face-saving indicate that persons who come from more collectivistic cultures engage in high face saving.
Conversely, people from more individualistic cultures tend to speak more directly and with less concern about helping the other party save face. This launches us into the next way theories help communicators and leaders.
2. Theory provides a basis for analysis you might otherwise miss
In the example of face-saving theory, I mentioned collectivistic cultures. Collective cultures are cultures with high interdependence. Examples of collectivistic cultures might include some Asian and Hispanic cultures.
Let speculate and say you are an individualist and you invite a Latin American you just met to a social event. This person says they will come. If you understand face-saving you will quickly analyze the situation and understand that the invitee may intend to come.
However, you also realize the invitee may be helping you save face, not wanting to embarrass you by refusing your hospitality. This leads to the third way a theory may serve you.
3. Theory provides a big-picture vantage point
Using the example above you know about face-saving, so you overtly provide a way in the conversation for the person to gracefully decline. Or perhaps it means you are a little slower to brand the persons as “not keeping their word” when in their culture “yes” means “I would like to” rather than a definite, “I am coming”.
Understanding the theory could help you understand the situation from a higher cultural view point rather than a personal view point. This keeps you from wasting emotional energy because you take it personally and are angry, hurt, or disappointed.
There are other ways that theories can help us understand our interactions. They can give us consistency in the way we mentally process interactions; they provide a common language and understanding of what may be occurring; and, they provide a point from which to develop new theories as the old are applied to new situations.
Know that the example above is only one example. Watch for upcoming articles on theories that you as a leader will want to know and apply. In the meantime, do a web search combining theory with words like, communication or leadership.
Practice looking at situations through the lens of some good theories and it will make you a better leader in religious, direct marketing, educational, training, and sales organizations. Theories give insight. Use them.
By: Rick Hubbard
